Eight Characters In Search of an Exit
by PrincessEilonwy
Summary: What's worse than a teenage girl in Middle-earth? A group of teenage girls in Middle-earth! Some have memorized parts of the books, some know all there is to know about Legolas, and some are just plain clueless.
1. In Which the Terror Begins

Disclaimer: Neither I nor any of my similarly obsessed friends own The Lord of the Rings.

A/N: This, in case you haven't noticed, is about my friends and I in the Lord of the Rings universe.  Yes, our names have been changed slightly.  The title comes from "Five Characters In Search of an Exit."  I promise it isn't a Mary Sue.  I mean, can you really visualize Aragorn or Legolas falling in love with teenagers?  If for some reason any of them do fall in love, I can guarantee it won't be with the person who likes them.  This started out being just for my friends, but at least one wanted me to publish it so I'd have to update.  If you like it, tell me and I'll continue, otherwise I'll keep it within our circle in the future.

Join the idiotic and occasionally fun-filled adventures of eight friends: Liza, Trina, Bethany, Morgan, Ashlin, Mindy, Mona, and Karolyn, who really doesn't want to be there!  Now for the story:

On a fine spring day, five somewhat normal teenage girls were walking around after school talking about—what else?—Lord of the Rings.  Everything was absolutely hunky-dory except according to Karolyn, who was contributing to the conversation with occasional insults about the others' favorite characters.

"People who like Lord of the Rings lack common sense," she maintained firmly, despite all evidence to the contrary, presented in convincing terms such as "But Legolas is _hot!"_ from Liza and "Is this picture of Elijah Wood not gorgeous?" from Mindy.  Trina and Mona had wisely given up trying to convince her about ten minutes earlier, but were starting to reconsider.

As they headed toward the library, a time portal suddenly leaped out of the bushes, catching them unawares.  Immediately, what appeared to be a small cyclone started up around them, whirling in various psychedelic colors until it would have given lesser mortals a splitting headache.  However, Mona and Liza, who had spent way too much time on their favorite website reading Mary Sue stories, knew exactly what was going on.

Liza gasped.  "Can it be?  Yes...it is!  It's an interspatial—"

"—Hypertemporal—" Mona added in awe.

"—_Transreality wormhole!"_ they finished, looking at each other in disbelief.

"Wha?" the others chorused in unison, wondering what the heck was going on.  But they had time for no more conversation before the intertempatial transworm realityhole thingy spirited them off to their destination.  Which was, of course...

"Hey, this looks like Middle-earth!" Trina exclaimed in surprise as they stopped spinning and landed somehow even though their feet had never left the ground.  Mindy shot her a somewhat frightened look.

"Um, Trina?  How can you tell?  I mean, it all kind of looks like forest to me," she said dubiously, looking around them with wide eyes.  Mona nodded agreement with Mindy's question, mouth open in astonishment as she stared from the ground to the trees, from the trees to the ground, from the ground...

Trina looked down, a little embarrassed, and pretended to be very interested in some Middle-earthy-looking beetles.  "Well, uh...I just feel it, okay?  Let's say my instincts tell me a certain_ Ranger_ *coughAragorncough* is nearby," she explained defensively, poking the toe of her sneaker into the dirt on the forest floor.  Liza smirked knowingly at her.

"So what do we do?" asked Karolyn, starting to panic.  "If this _is_ Middle-earth, we've got to get out of here before I go crazy!"  The worst thing about Lord of the Rings, in her opinion, was that all the guys looked like either girls or sheepdogs.  She just didn't think she could share a world with Legolas Greenleaf for more than five minutes without contracting hives.

Everyone looked expectantly at Liza, who shrugged.  "Well, first I'd say we need to track down Gandalf—"

"Wait, how will that help?" Mindy interrupted.  Liza gave her the Glare of Doom before continuing.

"AS I WAS SAYING!  We need to track down Gandalf because incredibly wise and benevolent wizard people are always happy to help folks get back into their own reality when they're stranded in books."  Folding her arms, Liza asked sternly, "Does anyone else have a better plan?"

Mona waved her hand in the air timidly.  "Excuse me?  Miss Liza?  Won't going after Gandalf involve tramping off to Helm's Deep or Isengard or some other potentially dangerous place like that where we'll probably run into the middle of a battle?"  Liza chose to ignore this question so as not to reveal the fact that she was really thinking the same thing.

"Halt!  What is your business in Fangorn Forest?" asked a clear soprano—sorry, tenor—voice, making all the girls jump.  Slowly, they turned around to see a very familiar-looking hot blond person with his bow pointed directly at them.  Trina gulped.  Liza tried totally unsuccessfully to hide a sappy smile at seeing her true love in person for the first time.

"Yeah...what he said!" came another voice, this one unbelievably strong and manly.  Mindy snorted with laughter as Trina turned bright red.  Karolyn was starting to shoot I-_told_-you-so looks at anyone and everyone, which really wasn't helping matters much. 

Now all the party needed to be complete was— "I MEANT TO DO THAT!" yelled Gimli, plunging facefirst into the clearing.  Apparently, he'd tripped over a rock quite deliberately so as to make a proper entrance.

"Um, uh, guys...you do realize they're only teenagers."  Wait a second.  Who was this?  Nobody else was supposed to be there!  The others were still too surprised to do any deductive thinking, but Mindy instantly knew who the new arrival was.  After all, who could forget that voice?

"FRODO!!!!!!!" she yelled in bliss, ignoring Legolas's bow and throwing her arms around the three feet eleven-and-a-half inch hobbit.  Everyone else backed away a step or two in fear, except Mona, who was trying to decide whether to run to Aragorn, Legolas, or Frodo first.

"You know, Frodo's right, Legolas," Aragorn realized slowly.  "They probably won't try to kill us."

"Of course Frodo's right," Mindy snarled possessively, arms still wrapped around Frodo, who was now looking extremely frightened.  "Frodo's _always _right!"

Blinking in shock, Legolas lowered his bow slowly.  "Nobody ever tells me anything," he grumbled.  " 'Look, Legolas, an intruder!  Get your bow out!' Hmmmph."

"Frodo," Mindy asked adoringly, "will you marry me?"  Taking their cues from her, Trina and Liza looked worshipfully at Aragorn and Legolas.

"Aragorn," Trina said, batting her eyelashes, "will you marry me?"  Aragorn blinked.

"Legolas," Liza asked hopefully, "will you marry me?"  Legolas screamed.

"Gimli..." Mona started.

"Yeeeeeeeeeesssss?" he asked a little too quickly.

"...You seem to have left your ax in that tree trunk over there."  Grumbling with disappointment, Gimli went to get his ax.

**What will happen to our strong, independent heroines?  When will Ashlin, Morgan, and Bethany come into the story?  What the heck _is _an interspatial hypertemporal transreality wormhole, anyway?  Find the answers to these questions...somewhere else!**

A/N: Just kidding, you will get the answers to at least the first two in the next chapter.  I'm not sure anyone really knows what an interspatial hypertemporal transreality wormhole is.  Official Sweepstakes: Review and guess which of the characters I am.  If you answer correctly, the grand prize is...another chapter!  If you answer wrong, the booby prize is...another chapter!  Note: People actually featured in this story may not participate in this sweepstakes on the grounds that they'll probably spoil it for everyone else.  The answer may be really obvious, but humor me and review anyway!  Coming Soon: Chapter Two.


	2. In Which a Catfight is Postponed

Disclaimer: My friends and I belong to ourselves.  All Lord of the Rings characters tortured here belong to J.R.R. Tolkien.

A/N: I got pretty good responses on the first chapter, so I decided to post another.  Especially since my friends, especially "A", will kill me if I don't continue this.  You know, I wasn't kidding about guessing which character I am.  I'd like to know whether my writing is totally transparent or not (it probably is).  I apologize for the formatting on this thing, but ff.n randomly messes up my bold and italics when they show up in large quantities so be prepared.  Also in one section it refused to do proper double-spacing, but I expect you'll know that when you see it.  But anyway:

kippinator: Hmm…cheese…I don't know about that, I'm not much in the habit of taking plot suggestions but we'll see what happens later in the story.  

Siri: Yes, the wormhole is cheesy but it provides some entertainment value so I figured why not?  I enjoyed coming up with the intelligent-sounding adjectives.

Elven Star: Yeah, I like the decent slashless part too.  Don't worry, I plan to post many more LOTR fics…*evil grin*

Jenny-juju-bug: I'm afraid I don't deserve the comment about the lack of inside jokes, but if they were that unobtrusive I'll just shut up while I'm ahead.

edgy wedgy: Uh…thanks…I guess.  If you want, I could make some choice comments about boys…

**And now, another installment in the adventures of your unfavorite teenage girls—Ashlin, Bethany, Karolyn, Liza, Mindy, Mona, Morgan, and Trina!  Join them as they continue where we left off last time:**

Gimli tried manfully (dwarffully?) to pull his ax out of the tree where he had inadvertently left it.  Unfortunately, the effort was too much for him and he went tumbling head over heels, a victim of equal and opposite reaction.  Everyone tried to stifle their giggles as they watched him pick himself up indignantly.

Everyone, that is, except Mindy, who was much too busy with other matters to notice.  She had once been voted "Most Likely to Legally Change Her Name to Baggins" and had indeed been considering it seriously for some time.  At the moment, though, she would settle for a date with Frodo, whom she was still clutching in a definite excess of affection.  

"Don't wowwy, Fwodo," she crooned happily, running one hand through his adorably curly hair.  "Evwything's gonna be all wight, Mindy pwomises.  Now how about dinner tonight?"  Frodo tried to scream for help but Mindy's possessive stranglehold cut off his air and he simply gasped helplessly, which was probably the worst thing he could have done under the circumstances.  Little did he know that Mindy found him irresistibly cute when he did his fish impression, causing her grip to tighten and her eyes to glaze over in bliss.

Meanwhile, reality was starting to set in—somewhat.  Trina and Liza had promptly forgotten Gimli's little mishap and were gazing raptly at the unfortunate Aragorn and Legolas, who were beginning to look around for an escape route.  By the look of things, Karolyn would be only too happy to join them in a bid for freedom.  Mona, as usual, was paying absolutely no attention to anybody, being too busy staring at the trees in awe.

"Wow," she breathed.  "We're in _Middle-earth!"_  Liza rolled her eyes in frustration, wishing Mona would just disappear and let her have some time with her beloved Elf.  Of course, Mona never disappeared; that seemed to be a corollary of Murphy's Law.  Still, hope springs eternal...especially when one is in the company of Legolas Greenleaf, the cutest archer of all time.  Bearing this thought in mind, Liza resolved to be patient with her impossibly dense friend and give her time to adjust.

"Yeeeeeeeees, Mona," she ground out through clenched teeth.  "What do you know?"  [Not much, obviously...]  "Hmm...Aragorn...Frodo...Legolas..."  Casting an admiring glance at her helpless captive, she finished, "I would say there's a SLIGHT CHANCE we're in Middle-earth!"  Mona blinked in sudden comprehension and went back to staring at the trees.

Trina ignored everyone except Aragorn, who was trembling with fear.  Alas, the brave Dúnadan who had faced Orcs, Nazgûl, and assorted other dark creatures now shrank before a power more evil than all of these put together—a teenage girl.  Sighing deeply, Trina took his strong, manly hand in her slender, lily-white ones.

"Aragorn, my love," she murmured in a barely audible sigh, "will you go to the movies with me on Saturday?"  Aragorn, quite understandably, looked puzzled.

"Movies?" he asked skeptically, raising a dark eyebrow so intense and handsome that Trina thought her heart would burst.  Her eyes were fixed on his dark, mysterious face in adoration as she smiled up at him in sheer ecstasy.  Alas, the maiden's mind was so affected by Aragorn's proximity that she had forgotten that the concept of "movies" might need some explaining.  Instead of answering his confused question, she merely leaned back against the struggling Ranger and indulged herself momentarily in happy daydreams of murdering Arwen and Éowyn so that there would be no obstacles to her marriage with her one true love.

Happily, Trina threw her arms around Aragorn's neck, oblivious to the tortured gasps that resulted.  "Oh, I knew you would!" she cried joyfully as she planted a small kiss on his cheek.  Aragorn screamed and started clawing at the infected area violently, hoping to scrub it clean before this strange illness spread.  Trina mercifully let go of his neck for a minute to go inform her friends of her good fortune, and he fell to the ground writhing in pain and terror.

Naturally, Karolyn was doing her best to ignore all the mushy stuff going on around her, but it was far from easy when she was surrounded by friends proposing to characters from that most evil of book series, The Lord of the Rings.  She began backing slowly away from the horrific scene and bumped into Gimli, who had fallen down again and was doing his best to get up.  They stared at each other for a moment in commiserating silence, two kindred souls trapped in a place where they desperately did not want to be...

Abruptly, Legolas was distracted from torture-by-Liza by the sound of crackling leaves and breaking twigs—the sure sign of inexperienced hikers.  He tore himself away from his captor long enough to pull an arrow from his quiver and ready himself for attack—

"Mindy!" a voice shouted.  "What the heck is going on around here?"  To Legolas' great dismay, three more teenage girls came crashing through the undergrowth to join the group in the clearing.  Frodo's eyes widened at this latest calamity and he struggled harder than ever to evade Mindy's grasp, but she was having none of it.  Panting slightly with the effort, she dragged him forward.

"Morgan!  Bethany!  Ashlin!  Thank goodness you're here!  And just look who we found—_Frodo!"_ she cried rapturously, showing off her trophy.  Bethany and Ashlin hid mocking grins, but Morgan's face turned from pink to bright red to a lovely shade of purple.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  FRODO IS _MINE!"_ she roared, fists clenching and unclenching spasmodically in her rage.  Everyone else backed away slowly, very thankful that they had no such silly obsessions.  Frodo whimpered and tried to run, but Mindy held him even more tightly and advanced threateningly on the unfortunate Morgan.

"Bring it on," she invited, sneering contemptuously.  "He loves _me,_ don't you, Fro-Fro?"  The alleged Fro-Fro was trembling too hard to answer, but the reply would doubtless not have been to her liking.  The two girls began circling each other, extending and retracting their fingernails menacingly.

Trina decided that her rather one-sided conversation with Aragorn could wait until this problem was resolved.  Clearly, diplomatic action was necessary if open war was to be avoided.  She stepped forward smoothly and asked, "So how did you guys get here anyway?  You didn't come in the tornado thingy with us."  Liza and Mona rolled their eyes at this amateurish description of the interspatial hypertemporal transreality wormhole but remained silent with an effort.

"Well," Bethany explained, "I had just finished playing the ten-minute, three-movement piano piece that I composed myself—"

"Perfectly as always," Ashlin muttered.  Bethany gave her a dark look and continued.

"—And the three of us were just talking out in the band hall when suddenly this hole sort of opened in the floor right under us and _whoosh—_"  She demonstrated with one hand.  "Here we were!"  Ashlin nodded in agreement with this detailed explanation of the phenomenon, but Morgan had totally ignored the whole conversation and was still fixated on "rescuing" Frodo from the obviously unworthy Mindy.

The group stood in silence, fascinated by the fight unfolding before their eyes.  What could they do?  Obviously direct physical interference was out of the question, as one would run the risk of being torn to bits...

Amid the general helplessness, Mona abruptly realized what was going on and tore her attention away from the fascinating vegetation of Fangorn Forest.  She practically bounced over and said excitedly, "Guess what?  I know a song!"  Karolyn made a strangled noise of exasperation, but several of the others looked at Mona in awe, realizing that this could very well be the distraction that would postpone if not prevent hostilities.  They all held their breath, hoping and praying.

Miraculously, both Morgan and Mindy turned to stare at her, half in annoyance and half in fear.  "What song?" Morgan asked at last, breaking the tense silence.  Mona's face lit up.

"I thought you'd never ask!" she exclaimed happily, striking a pose and taking a deep breath.  "It goes something like this:

Ho!  Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo! 

_By water, wood, and hill, by the reed and willow,_

_By fire, sun, and moon, harken now and hear us!_

_Come, Tom Bombadil, for our need is near us!_

Now wasn't that great?" Mona demanded breathlessly, grinning at everyone, who grimaced back.  Frodo, Aragorn, and Legolas had all tried to hide behind each other, but only Frodo had succeeded by virtue of his height.  Gimli had fallen over backwards trying to get away from the infernal noise and was begging someone—anyone—to kill the girl, who was obviously an agent of Sauron sent to torture them.  All Mona's friends were used to this kind of thing and treated it more as a nuisance than anything else.

"ENCORE!" Mona yelled, beginning to caper around in circles in a most alarming way.  Several shrieks of pure terror resulted from this, but the callous girl paid no attention and launched once more into "song":

"Hey dol!  merry dol!  ring a ding dillo! 

_Ring a dong!  hop along!  fal lal the willow!_

_Tom Bom, jolly Tom, Tom Bombadillo!"_

A collective sigh of relief erupted at the close of this verse, but apparently it was premature—the torment was not over yet.  Everyone plugged their ears as best they could and cowered as she began again.

"Hey!  Come derry dol!  Hop along, my hearties! Hobbits!  Ponies all!  We are fond of parties. Now let the fun begin!  Let us si—" 

The world may never know how long this would have gone on, for in the middle of the dread word "sing", Mona let out a single shriek and collapsed insensible on the forest floor.  Ten shocked faces stared at Legolas, who was standing over the unconscious form, the rock in his hands still raised.  He smiled sheepishly at them and managed to say, "Sorry about that, folks—" before he was drowned out by a standing ovation.

^^^^^

Ten minutes later, Mona lay bound with spare bowstrings.  Legolas began to apologize yet again for his somewhat impulsive action.  "Look, I'm really sorry that happened, but if she had sung _'Ho, Tom Bombadil'_ one more time..."  His fists clenched involuntarily with the righteous indignation of an Elf forced to listen to what others call "music".

"Nobody blames _you,_ Leggy-las," Liza crooned, smoothing his blond hair.  "We all felt the same way."  Legolas ignored her existence totally and began talking to Aragorn about the dangers of traveling in woods infested by young women.  Not that the Ranger needed any sort of warning on this subject with Trina nearby, but it gave them a reason to pretend that this was just a normal day, totally bereft of strange teenagers and horrifying songs.

Meanwhile, Bethany had recovered from the initial shock of sudden transport to a fictional universe and was beginning to look in Legolas' direction more than he liked.  Liza had also noticed this strange development and glared jealously at Bethany whenever she had the opportunity.  Everyone else fervently hoped this wouldn't turn into another feud like the one that had been fortunately forestalled by Mona, but thankfully nothing seemed to be happening—yet.

Karolyn had a nasty feeling that her sanity wouldn't last long under these circumstances.  After all, she could hardly be expected to survive with Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo in the vicinity, let alone their admirers!  But how could she get away?  The last thing she wanted was to be lost in a living forest!

She began restlessly striding around the edge of the clearing, wondering when the heck her idiotic friends would stop drooling over book characters and start paying attention to the fact that they were currently stuck in the woods with no help except a midget, a guy who couldn't even be depended on to wash his own hair, a decidedly girly archer with long blond braids, and clumsiness personified.  Speaking of...Gimli apparently had the same idea of pacing in circles but, unfortunately, was going in the opposite direction.  This created some awkwardness, as he was notoriously bad at getting out of the way at the best of times, let alone when distracted by morose thoughts of his lack of fangirls.

To put it bluntly, they collided.  It was, of course, all Gimli's fault, as he'd apparently done it deliberately.  They both lay stunned for a moment, but Karolyn recovered first and picked herself up angrily.  Just one more piece of proof for her argument against Lord of the Rings!

The dwarf seemed to be having some trouble getting up, so Karolyn offered him her hand against her better judgment.  He accepted it after some hesitation, still muttering that he really didn't need the help but if it would make her happy who was he to object?  After a few tries, their combined efforts got him on his feet again and he stood there scowling and generally looking like his normal cheery self.

They glared at each other for a few minutes, mutual hostility flaring up between them.  Then something snapped.  Karolyn yelled, "I _hate_ this!"  Nobody except Gimli heard her, being too busy flirting or trying to escape.  Gimli looked somewhat startled, but couldn't help agreeing with the sentiment.  He nodded glumly and wished he were back home with people his own height.

"I know!  Nobody around here ever pays any attention to me," he complained self-pityingly.  In these circumstances, Karolyn knew exactly how that felt.  Was it possible that at least one Lord of the Rings character could be tolerable?  Against her will, she felt her heart warming toward the only other person who understood what she was going through…

Abruptly, yet another noise distracted everyone.  "Not again," Legolas moaned softly, but there was no mistaking the distinctive sounds, soft though they were.

Someone was coming through the forest toward them.

Who will join our "intrepid" group next?  Will Gimli and Karolyn elope?  When will Mona wake up?  All these questions will be answered in the next chapter! 

I'm really enjoying this and I hope you are too.  Note the total Mary Sue-ness of it all, including total defiance of the plot by bringing Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and Frodo together in Fangorn Forest and our mysterious ability to speak Westron.  By the way, nobody even tried to guess who I was!  Is it that obvious?  Probably…But let me just say that this is more or less true to life: "Bethany" really is a piano genius, "Karolyn" really does hate Lord of the Rings with a vengeance, and "Mona" really does memorize random poems from books.  Speaking of which, all three poems used here are copied directly from _The Fellowship of the Ring,_ hard though I find it to believe that Tolkien would write anything so obnoxious.  Quick apology to "Bethany", "Morgan", and "Ashlin": The reason they weren't in the first chapter is that I originally planned it for five people: a Legolas-lover, an Aragorn-lover, a Frodo-lover, an undecided, and someone who just plain hates Lord of the Rings.  But then they read the chapter and wanted to be in it, so I put them in.  Actually, it'll be good for the story, since this brings rivalries into play.  Unfortunately, my friend "Isadora" didn't want to be in the story, so I regretfully left her out.  Anyway...the third chapter will hopefully be coming soon, along with several more Lord of the Rings stories, so watch for them!


	3. In Which Trina's Loyalties are Sorely Te...

Disclaimer: Tolkien owns the Lord of the Rings characters.  The Lord of the Rings characters own my friends and me.

A/N: Here it is...the moment you've all been waiting for...the third chapter!  Hopefully in this chapter the italics and bold lettering will work a little better—I still don't know what went wrong with the last one.  If it's not the poems, it's the little bold transition things at the beginning and end of each chapter...

edgy wedgy: Yeah, I'd say we're all pretty happy.  Even Karolyn, who seems to have found comfort in Gimli.  Just kidding—I hope.  Poor Frodo is right, you get to see him pursued by fangirls some more in this chapter.

Siri: Actually, I'm not sure whether Karolyn and Gimli will elope or not.  But I love the idea of the Fellowship fighting over her!  That's a really interesting mental picture...dodging all the other girls as they try to woo poor Karolyn, who just wants to get back to her normal life...

A: Here you go.  Do you like yourself in this chapter?  Hee hee hee...

And now, the continuing adventures of Ashlin, Bethany, Karolyn, Liza, Mindy, Mona, Morgan, and Trina, the most annoying teenage girls in the universe!  We join our hapless heroines and their helpless crushes once more:

The faint sound of footsteps grew louder as the stranger approached, but not by much.  Apparently they were about to encounter an experienced woodsman.  At this thought, Legolas cheered up a little.  Perhaps another Elf who could help him fight off Liza and Bethany...or at least provide some better company.

His friends Aragorn and Frodo seemed likewise cheered by the prospect of help.  Of course they couldn't be sure whether the intruder was friendly or not, but at the moment they had a distinct feeling that Orcs would be better than the girls who insisted on following them around.  And one thing they could be sure of—no teenage girl like these eight could be nearly that quiet in the forest.

Almost immediately, the three realized that while help might be on the way, the results at the moment were simply disastrous.  Liza, Trina, and Mindy, sensing possible danger, clung all the tighter to Legolas, Aragorn, and Frodo for protection.  Bethany and Morgan glared jealously at them, obviously wishing they could take Liza and Mindy's places.  Ashlin, who seemed rather dazed and confused by the proceedings, wandered around in search of a rock to hide behind, being bereft of any Men, Elves, or hobbits to shield her.

Naturally, Karolyn was doing her best to ignore everything going on around her, as was Gimli.  They had struck up a conversation of sorts about the unfairness of so many Lord of the Rings characters being ridiculously good-looking and therefore held in higher esteem than, say, dwarves.  "And they all have blue eyes!" Karolyn exclaimed with renewed anger at such discrimination.  "Why do they all have blue eyes?"

"It's a conspiracy," Gimli agreed gloomily, kicking at the leaves underfoot.  "I'm a better fighter than all of them put together, especially that sissy Elf, and do I get any respect?  Nooo!  I'm just here to entertain all the tall, hot people by falling over every ten seconds."  As if to prove his point, Gimli tripped over a tree root and landed flat on his face.  His three "friends" took a break from listening to the approaching footsteps and snickered at him for a few seconds while he tried to resist temptation.

He lost.  "THAT WAS DELIBERATE!" he yelled.  Really, he didn't know why he bothered—nobody ever seemed to believe him for some reason.  Why was he doomed to provide comic relief forever?

Gimli's thoughts were interrupted by a crashing sound, as of someone hurriedly pushing his way past bushes and trees.  The others in the clearing looked up with renewed wariness, trying to gauge how far away the noise was—

And Gimli was suddenly pulled upright by the back of his tunic.  "Dwarf," growled a voice.  "I should have known."  Gimli stiffened in outrage—this was hardly paying him the respect he deserved!  Then the voice came again, sounding unpleasantly surprised this time.  "Oh.  It's _you."_

Haldir of Lórien looked down at Gimli, his fair elven lip slightly curled in disgust.  "I thought I'd seen the last of you," he snarled, releasing Gimli's tunic as though he might catch something contagious if he held it any longer.  Gimli dropped the two feet to the ground, spluttering with indignation, but nobody noticed other than Karolyn.  They were all too busy paying attention to the new arrival.

"Haldir!" Legolas cried gladly, stepping forward.  "I have never been so glad to see a fellow Elf."  Impulsively, he embraced the other.  Haldir was understandably startled by this, but he suffered it with grace.  After all, he had to make allowances—Legolas was obviously distraught and very possibly out of his mind.  He tried to think of a reason for this strange behavior, but could come up with none.  Perhaps too much time around that accursed dwarf had finally addled his wits...

Aragorn abruptly fell over sideways, putting an end to Haldir's train of thought.  For a moment everyone stared at him, wondering what had happened to the normally graceful Ranger, but then Legolas noticed something—Trina had very suddenly relaxed her death grip on Aragorn's arm.  The unaccustomed lightness must have thrown him off balance.  But why, Legolas wondered, would she have done such a thing?  It seemed so out of character!

Legolas soon got the answer to his question, much to the dismay of everyone.  "Haldir?" Trina breathed, taking a step forward.  "But I thought..."  She sniffled a little.  "I thought you were dead!"

"Dead?" Haldir, Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo echoed at once, shocked at this revelation.  "Why would I be dead?" Haldir asked skeptically, raising a perfect elven eyebrow and wondering who in the name of Elbereth this girl was anyway.

Trina's eyes were wide as she stared at him.  "Because...you...I saw it..._Helm's Deep!"_  Bethany, Morgan, and Mindy nodded in agreement.  Liza snorted derisively.

"Honestly," she muttered, shaking her head in pity.  _"Someone_ needs to read the books.  Stupid movie version, sending the wrong army to Helm's Deep..."  Legolas tried his best to ignore her continued ramblings and mutterings, no easy task when the ramblings and mutterings in question were occurring about three inches away from his sensitive ears.

However, all petty annoyances such as Liza were forgotten in the aftermath of what happened next.  With a wild cry of joy, Trina lunged for Haldir, throwing her arms around the horrified Elf.  Amid general shrieks of horror, he toppled over backward and landed with a thump, hitting his head hard on a tree root.

Everyone froze for a moment—even Gimli and Karolyn, who had been steadfastly ignoring everything, seemed affected by this.  "What was that?" Gimli muttered to Karolyn, who shook her head and thought that this was just one more thing to add to her list of reasons why Lord of the Rings really stunk.  Apparently, people not only fought randomly but fell over as well...

"Oh my gosh!" Trina screamed, staring down at Haldir in shock.  "What happened?"  She took Haldir by the shoulders and shook him as if hoping to revive him.  It didn't work.  Her eyes starting to fill with tears, she bit her lip and whimpered, "Haldy..."

Legolas took this opportunity to tear himself away from Liza and came to kneel by Haldir's side.  "He is only unconscious.  I daresay he will be all right—no thanks to you," he told Trina, who was sitting on her heels and sniffling ominously.  She ignored him and continued to grieve for the miniscule bump on her poor Haldir's head, stroking his blond hair adoringly.

Beginning to feel nauseous at the sight, Legolas tried to tug Trina away from Haldir, but she resisted with the strength of a crazed fangirl.  "Get—away," he panted angrily, wishing he were off battling Balrogs.  "Leave—him—alone—you—"  It was possibly the most frustrating situation of his life.  He would have liked very much to curl up in the highest branches of the nearest tree and pretend that none of this was happening, but that was out of the question—how could he abandon Haldir in this time of direst need?

Unexpectedly, the cavalry arrived.  "Shut up, Trina," snapped a voice to his right.  Startled, Legolas turned to see Bethany pulling at the reluctant Trina's arm.  "You heard the Elf—back away slowly and nobody gets hurt."  He would have thought it impossible that such a gentle-looking person could have such a commanding tone, but it worked.  Unwillingly, Trina got to her feet and moved back a few paces, casting sappily worried looks at Haldir all the time.

"There," Bethany said to Legolas with a satisfied nod.  "You just have to show her who's boss.  Works every time."  Now that the urgency of the moment had passed, she was giving him wide-eyed looks that made the gorgeous blond hair on the back of his neck prickle.  The phrase "out of the frying pan and into the fire" sprang to mind, and he wondered whether he had done himself a favor in escaping Liza after all.

Frodo had remained silent throughout the episode—he was trying to blend in with the surroundings.  If he could just manage to hide in the bushes until his friends got rid of the girls, he might escape the notice of Morgan and Mindy, who had apparently formed a temporary alliance for the purpose of hunting him out and were now crashing their way around the clearing in hot pursuit—or, more accurately, in pursuit of hotness.

"FROOOOODOOOO!" Mindy called coaxingly, looking under dead leaves.  "Where are you, my pwecious?"  Frodo shuddered, but kept himself from squeaking in terror with an effort.  It wouldn't do to give himself away now!

Morgan shouldered Mindy out of the way roughly.  "Let me try," she growled.  "After all, _I'm_ the one he likes."  Before Mindy could reply to this bit of egotism, Morgan had begun peering up into the branches of nearby trees, yelling, "Come out, Frodo!  I won't hurt you."  She held out her hands in front of her to show that she was unarmed.  It worked for wild animals—why shouldn't it work for her beloved hobbit?  "I promise I won't hurt you.  I just want to go out with you, okay?  Just one little date...or two...or three..."

"Hey!" Mindy protested indignantly.  "We agreed that if we caught him I'd get half the dates!"  However, Morgan seemed in no mood to honor deals of any kind.  She was so close to getting Frodo for herself—no way was she going to let a solemn vow on her honor as a fangirl get in the way of that!  

Why, she could already imagine eating dinner with Frodo.  After the first five courses he would stop to come up for breath, and then he would look up at her across the table.  And she would smile at him and have tenth helpings of everything, and he would think how much they had in common and how well they got along and how the candlelight sparkled on her braces...

Jerking out of her happy daydream, Morgan realized that in order to make it a reality she would have to find Frodo first.  Hmm...if she were a hobbit trying desperately to find her while avoiding Mindy, where would she hide?  Perhaps—yes!  The very first place she would think of would be behind that bush right over there.  Certain that her instincts were correct, Morgan bounced over to the shrub to find her one true love.

Frodo was just beginning to relax in his hiding place.  Obviously, these two were much too busy arguing to find him anytime soon.  Why, maybe he could sneak away now before they caught sight of him!

Wait.  What was that?  [Oh, no,] Frodo thought.  [It can't be.]  But it was—the humming was getting louder.  Unmistakably...

"A-HA!" Morgan cried triumphantly, grabbing the startled Frodo's arm and hauling him out of the bushes, the twigs and bits of leaves stuck in his hair giving him an adorably rumpled look that was irresistible.  "I've finally found you, Frodo dear!"  Frodo dear squeaked a bit, but refused to give in to his weakness and beg for mercy.  He was resigned to his fate and would face it like a true hobbit.  A last meal would have been nice, though.

A gasp from the other side of the clearing told him without looking that Mindy was charging over, her normally good-natured face turning bright red with the force of her anger.  "How _dare_ you?" she spat at Morgan, who thrust Frodo behind her as if to protect him from a rabid animal.  "I thought...I trusted you, you double-crosser!"  Morgan merely grinned, apparently subscribing to the philosophy that as long as one got the hobbit, broken promises were of no account.  She would deal with Mindy later.  For now, all that mattered was that she had gotten Frodo before Mindy had...

Suddenly, the silence that had reigned while everyone else watched the battle over Frodo was broken by a small snort.  All eyes turned toward the source of the sound, which had come from the edge of the clearing.  A gasp of horror went up from those assembled as they realized that there could, indeed, be something worse than warring fangirls.

Mona had risen again.

Will Frodo ever escape from his captors?  Why doesn't Ashlin just read the books so she knows what's going on?  And just who was responsible for the interspatial hypertemporal transreality wormhole in the first place, anyway?  Tune in next time for the answers to these questions!

So another chapter concludes.  I've gotten plenty of nice reviews, but not one person has guessed who I am in the story!  Just humor me, please.  I know it's probably painfully obvious, but just guess anyway so I'll stop bugging you.  Anyway, this author's note is uncommonly short because I need to post this before I run out of time to watch "Fawlty Towers" with the family, so see you next time on your favorite story!  *coughYEAHRIGHTcoughcough*


	4. In Which Legolas is Irresponsible

Disclaimer: It's lucky for me that J.R.R. Tolkien's dead, because he'd kill me if he ever found out what I've done to his characters.

A/N: Actually, I'm very sad that Tolkien's dead—why is it that so many of the sci-fi/fantasy authors I like are dead?  Douglas Adams, Isaac Asimov, C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Roger Zelazny...in fact, most of the authors I've ever considered writing to.  It's simply tragic.  Weep weep sob sob woe woe, as my friend A always says.  For more sayings of A, who is a character in this story, please request specifically and I will send you, free of charge, a copy of "I am Right and You are Wrong Like Always: The Supreme Wisdom of A Nonymous".  Oh boy, she's gonna kill me for this one...

edgy wedgy: Frodo is not quite middle-aged, actually.  But he is on the brink of death, courtesy of Mindy and Morgan, our resident hobbit fanatics.  Actually, I believe he's still on the old edge of young in the books (only fifty! Just imagine how young and handsome he is).  However, he somehow manages to look roughly eighteen.  Hmm...I wonder how he does that.  No, he really doesn't need more screaming fangirls.  Poor Gimli.  Oh well, he always has Karolyn.

Greeneyes616: Thanks!  I do enjoy writing it.  Perhaps more than I should…

Siri: Yeah, I think the first chapter is my favorite too.  The wormhole thing always cracks me up.  Maybe that's a sign of insanity, when your own writing cracks you up.

Das Blume: Thank you.  Twisted is my middle name.  Princess Twisted Eilonwy.  Has a ring to it, doesn't it?

Ebony Quill: O greatest of reviewers!...Sorry, I've always wanted to start a response with something like that.  Yes, you are in fact the first person to even try to guess who I am.  And no, you are not in fact correct.  Close, though...I figured Liza would be a strong candidate.  Try, try again!...And I realize I haven't yet said who Ashlin likes—that's because, as far as I know, she knows absolutely nothing about Lord of the Rings and doesn't really care.  And, of course, Karolyn _thought_ she hated it—that is, until she found Gimli.  Oh gosh, she would really kill me if she read Lord of the Rings fanfiction.

**And now, another exciting episode in the inane adventures of your favorite not-quite-normal teenage girls!  Join them as they battle with horror after endless horror:**

"No," Morgan whispered, loosening her grip on Frodo's arm slightly.  Frodo would have seized this opportunity to slip away, but he was too busy staring as Mona the Evil yawned, totally oblivious to the frightened regard of everyone else within twenty feet.  Several amazingly long yawns were followed by an attempt to stretch—

"Hey, what is this?" Mona asked in a somewhat groggy voice.  "What happened?  Why can't I move?"  Legolas winced, knowing that he would probably regret it immensely if she ever found out exactly who was responsible for her being tied up.  And all his bowstrings gone, too...It really wasn't fair.

Liza and Bethany gave each other somewhat exasperated looks.  "Well, yes, Mona," Liza said in her best talking-to-four-year-olds voice.  "You see, we all felt it would be best if you were, how shall I say..."

"Silenced," Bethany put in helpfully, casting an admiring look at Legolas that made his blood run cold.  "So—"  She shrugged matter-of-factly.  "There we are.  And if you think about it, really it's a good thing for everyone concerned, isn't it?  I mean, we love your singing, you know that, but at some point one needs a rest to properly appreciate music.  And I'm sure you caught up on some long-needed rest."  She smiled angelically.

Mona gave her a dirty look and tried to sit up.  "Right," she said sarcastically.  "And I suppose while I've been...er, _silenced_...you've been busy romancing Leggy-las, haven't you?"  Bethany and Liza's guilty looks revealed the answer all too well.

"Thought so," Mona said smugly.  She abruptly turned and stared at Ashlin, who returned the stare and edged a little further away.  "And what have _you_ been up to?" she asked.  "Reinterpreting the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy with disgusting meanings?"  Ashlin blushed a little and almost grinned, but remained silent.

"Oh, Ashlin's been hiding from everyone," Mindy said a little absently, staring intently at Frodo.  Apparently, she had noticed Morgan's lapse of attention and was already plotting some sort of scheme deep in the depths of her little Frodo-obsessed brain.

[That should be a disease,] Ashlin thought.  [Frodo obsession.  "What's wrong with me, doctor?"  "Oh, I believe you just have a little case of Frodo obsession.  There are medicines that can help."]  This train of thought was very similar to those that had occupied Ashlin since her crazy friends had dragged her into this whole Middle-earth thing or whatever it was called.  Middle-earth, Hogwarts, something like that...

Ashlin's thoughts were interrupted by the third brewing fight of the day—or was it the thirtieth?  She had lost count sometime after diving behind a rock for cover...Let's see, first Mindy and Morgan, then Bethany and Liza—no, wait, that one wasn't over yet—and now Mona and everybody else.  Admittedly it didn't seem to pose as much danger as the other fights, since Mona was still immobile for the most part, but still...she wasn't really sure whether the situation could get any nastier, but she was sure it would if possible.

"Okay, you've had your fun.  You got back at me for proofreading your story, Liza.  You got me good, I admit it.  Now kindly UNTIE ME!" Mona demanded, starting to get red in the face.  Liza turned away, studying the oh-so-fascinating trees of Fangorn Forest and whistling something subtly annoying from their band music.

Mona glared at her back.  "Fine," she muttered.  "I'll starve and die, surrounded by my best friends who wouldn't lift a finger to save me.  See if I care."  Liza apparently didn't think this merited a reply.  Or, Legolas thought, maybe she just had the attention span of a five-year-old—it was difficult to tell.

After more dire threats, insults, and jibes about certain hot blond Elves, Mona fell silent.  An ominous silence, laced with the promise of more hysterical screaming to come as soon as she had gotten her breath and thought of more maddeningly witty things to say.

At about this point, Legolas made a mistake that he would regret for the rest of his life—or at least for the next month or so.

He began to feel guilty.

Sidling over to Aragorn and trying to avoid Bethany's adoring gaze, he asked in an undertone, "Don't you think we ought to untie her?"

"Her?" Aragorn asked, his face registering blank confusion.  _"Ohhh_, you mean _her._"  He nodded toward the sullen Mona, who still had half the clearing to herself.  "No, I really don't think that would be a good idea."

"But I feel kind of bad for her," Legolas said, craning his graceful, swanlike neck to see her better.  He noted with some concern that no death threats concerning her friends had been heard for some time.  Perhaps she was starving after all, perishing from sheer loneliness like a flower wilting in the midst of thorns.

Aragorn snorted.  "After that...that _singing?"_ he asked, a slight note of irrepressible fear making itself heard at the word "singing".  Obviously, he had been emotionally scarred by Mona's earlier performance.

"Well," Legolas said reasonably, "we all have our moments.  And with friends like them—"  He nodded toward the group as a whole, who were now gathered in a huddle, one of the girls occasionally turning around to glance furtively at one true love or another before plotting resumed.  "Who can blame her for wanting to escape from it all by numbing her mind with Tom Bombadil?"

Before Aragorn could answer, Legolas decided that he had made up his mind.  For once, he was going to do the right thing no matter what any of his companions said.  "I'm going to go untie her," he said determinedly to Aragorn, stalking off toward the other end of the clearing.

It took Liza only a minute or two to realize what her beloved Leggylas was doing.  Her first clue came when he headed over to Mona's side—how _dare_ he?  _She _was the one he should be paying attention to, not Mona, the most annoying proofreader she had ever met.  The only consolation was that he was also utterly ignoring Bethany, who looked no happier than she.

Well, she thought with satisfaction, at least they were even.  If she couldn't have her Elfie-poo, neither could Bethany.

Even this meager wisp of contentment evaporated entirely when Legolas bent down and began working at the knots he had so skillfully tied less than an hour before.  As Liza knew only too well, those knots were the only things that stood between her and certain death, undoubtedly slow and painful as well.

"No!" she cried, launching herself at Legolas.  What did he think he was doing?  Surely he wouldn't be so stupid as to try to get her killed...

Legolas gritted his teeth and ignored Liza, who was waving her arms and trying to get his attention.  He was doing what was right and he wasn't going to let any fangirls get to him if it was the last thing he did.  Funny...it seemed that whenever he heard anyone use that phrase, disaster followed.  Oh, well...

"At last," he muttered, finally getting the troublesome knot undone.  "What was I thinking?"

"I don't know," said Mona sweetly, "but I'm glad you've come to your senses at last."  Was it his imagination, or was she batting her eyelashes at him?  No, it was his imagination.  It had to be.

Liza's mouth was hanging open, her eyes slightly unfocused as she stared at Legolas.  "But...but," she whimpered.  "I trusted you!  I thought you_ loved_ me!"  Legolas paled and drew away in horror.

Mona snorted.  "Come on, Liza.  Legolas is a fictional character.  Did you honestly think he would fall for you?"

"Yeah?" Liza said defiantly.  "Well, what about what's-his-face, Farmer?"

"Faramir," Mona corrected, blushing more than a little.  "And shut up.  I do _not_ like him."  She returned to gazing a little dreamily at Legolas, who was getting more and more unnerved by this psychotic girl.  It almost looked as though she was trying to flirt with him...

"I thank you, kind sir Elf, for rescuing me from such a predicament," she said in what was obviously an attempt at a lilting, musical voice.  "If it had not been for your nimble elven fingers, I know not whether I would have survived."  She held out her hand, and it took Legolas a minute to realize that she was waiting for him to help her up.  He decided to pretend he hadn't noticed, and she withdrew her hand after a few seconds, looking rather disappointed.

"If there is ever any way, however humble, in which I may repay your great kindness," she went on, still smiling at him, "simply ask and I shall be delighted to aid you in any way possible."

[I bet,] Legolas thought.  She was really laying it on thick now.  "Kind sir Elf"?  [Methinks the lady doth flirt too much,] Legolas observed ruefully to himself.  Would they ever leave him alone?  It really wasn't his fault that he was the most handsome person in Middle-earth...

At this point, Legolas was mercifully distracted by something completely different and, under most circumstances, unwelcome.  However, at this point any reprieve from his admirers was sheer heaven.

Even if it involved Ashlin quietly being sick in the bushes at the far end of the clearing.

Glad for any excuse to leave Mona and Liza, Legolas hurried over to her.  "What is wrong?" he asked, supporting her elbow.

She shook her head, turning bright red.  "I'm sorry," she said hoarsely.  "I...I just couldn't stand it...any longer.  Too much romantic involvement with book characters..."  Turning away from him, she vomited again.

Legolas wrinkled his nose slightly, trying to ignore the odor his delicate elven nostrils were assaulted with.  "It's all right," he said comfortingly, patting Ashlin on the back.  "It's just a phase.  They'll get over it eventually, I'm sure."  [I hope...]

Ashlin sniffled a little and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, making a face.  "Sorry about that.  I just...it's just so hard.  You know Mindy and all of them are my friends, but when they go all goo-goo over fictional characters I draw the line."  Legolas nodded in sympathy, wondering why Ashlin's friends didn't have her sense.  Why had he never noticed her before?  Her red hair stood out in sharp contrast to the others, all blondes and brunettes.  He had always liked red hair...

[No,] Legolas thought in horror.  [I am _not_ thinking this about a teenage girl.]  What was wrong with him?  Was he actually thinking about how nice Ashlin's hair was?  Perhaps these sick girls _were_ having an effect on him after all.

With a sigh, Legolas tried to shake such thoughts from his mind.  He said something politely understanding to Ashlin and excused himself, barely aware of what he was doing.  All he knew was that he had to talk to Aragorn before it was too late.

**What will happen next?  Why is Ashlin's red hair so irresistible?  Is there something to this Mary Sue business after all?  Tune in next time to find out!**

A/N: I'm glad Ashlin isn't reading this.  Let me just say that wholeheartedly, because she might very possibly kill me for this one.  Or she might look at a picture of Orlando Bloom and then thank me...hard to tell.  Anyway, I am definitely having fun.  What other chance will I get to insult myself and my friends with impunity?  Not that I like to insult my friends, but it is fun to be mean to myself in this story.  If that gives you a clue as to who I am, please don't hesitate to guess.  Hopefully I'll be able to update soon! 


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